I think it’s interesting that I wrote the bulk of the following post in April of 2013. I’m still “in search of…” many of the things about which I wrote at that time – just a little further down the path. Part of my journey is the struggle to consistently write. To consistently both unburden and create. Life, for me, seems to be a series of dramatic changes…and change is coming again! On some level, I would love to make small, incremental changes as I go through life but, what seems to happen is something BIG and then nothing…which amounts to a similar outcome but in distinctly Drama Queen fashion. Which, as I was born to wear a tiara, makes a certain amount of sense.
For years, I tried to deny both that I was drawing this dramatic energy to me and that I was feeding it with my own. Further, I thought that I should try to keep this energy (drama) out of my life. I was told repeatedly that I should not be so sensitive, not be so dramatic, not be so emotional. My favorite – I should not take everything so personally and “just get over it.” Ugh. I hate those words. So, I fought valiantly to become what I thought I was supposed to be and try feel what I was supposed to feel. I tried very hard not to take things personally.
I have spent quite a bit of time
in my life trying to be or become something different from what I am; I have worn my life like a suit that was too small. Pieces of me kept “popping out” uncomfortably – either for me or for those around me. More recently, I have spent a good deal of time and energy trying to “uncover” who it is I really am because I lost sight of that truth (or never really found it) somewhere in those years of trying to change it.
So where do I see myself? What do I want to “look” like?
I’m not sure there’s a great place to start here – so I’m just going to start with the outside. I know we’ve all been working diligently to ditch the use of labels so I won’t use the word fat; however, I can’t escape one truth about myself in any attempt at an unbiased description: my body is not at a healthy weight (although it’s closer than it was)!. I harbor no illusion that I will ever be a model and I do not want to have men stop on the street to look at me. (okay, maybe that would be good for my ego but it’s not what I’m seeking.)
Continuing with looking at the outside…if you look at my closet, you would think that I am schizophrenic with at least 5 different personalities. I mean, I have no distinct style! Well, at least it doesn’t show in my closet…yet. I’m changing that – starting now. I made a pact with myself to buy nothing that I don’t really love. Mind you, that still won’t mean I wear the same thing – or even the same look. Drama, remember? My only requirement is that I refuse to be boring and I don’t like ordinary. So…I am wearing more color, more scarves (remember the velvet scarf???), bigger jewelry. I am embracing the dramatic energy – and feeling okay about it. Most of the time – it’s a journey, remember?
As most of you know, 16 months ago, I made a radical leap and had the weight-loss surgery I had been contemplating for years. The first 12 months brought dramatic change and joy. Then, my head got in the way and the dramatic change gave way to complete stagnation. I sat there for awhile – in a way I guess I was recharging.
Now, it’s time for change again. It’s a new year and, while I gave up making resolutions MANY years ago, it’s time for the next set of changes.
Stick around – let’s see if I keep up. Or if you can keep up with me 😉