So I’ve been thinking recently about all the “stuff” I let food steal from me. There are some things I can get back and some things that are just gone. Forever. Easy things to overlook like, well, arms that look good (yes, I might have surgery but, barring that, my upper arms will always look like batwings). And harder things – like all the playing that I’ve missed with Bryce as he has grown up.
For all of you Positive Pollies out there – I’m not dwelling on it. Really, I’m not. I’m just thinking out loud here. I realize that there is a good bit of playing yet to do with my son. And a great deal more playing to do in life! There are SO many things I want to try – but I have lived with that burden most of my life – feeling too big or just not good enough.
What I’m specifically thinking about today is – when did I start letting it steal parts of me? Things like the cool toe rings I always wore – or the funky hats? I lost my sense of style. No, it wasn’t always CURRENT fashion – but it was MINE.
So what happened? Was it a specific weight or size or did I just wake up one day and decide I wasn’t worth taking care of any longer?
Well, stealing implies that there is a victim and I’m done being a victim.
I am looking for some cool hats. I’m more careful with the clothes I buy – I have stopped buying stuff just because it fits. I really try to think about whether I like it and will wear it. And I got out my toe rings. And I did my toes (still working on getting them painted – maybe this evening).
There are all sorts of analogies that people use when they have come through something. I have felt that way three times in my life…like I’ve come through something.
I won’t bore you with all the details in one post – but:
1. When I left my first husband
2. When I left the psychiatrist’s office with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder (well, when the meds kicked in)
3. Now – when I’ve lost 103 pounds
For me, each time, it’s like waking up from a long nap. I stretch and flex my muscles…trying to remember what it feels like to be awake. I look around for a bit – trying to remember where I am – and then I get up to face the new world around me.
What happens next?
Who knows? It’s all part of the journey – We’ve been biking – made it 14 miles today and Bryce was the one who wussed out. I’m looking at places to go kayaking and horseback riding when we are in Tennessee…AND…a friend of mine may just be pulling me WAAAAY out of my comfort zone…HipHop Abs, anyone?
Check back and see if I’m still alive in a few weeks…