I was in a store into which I rarely step (Coldwater Creek) in an unfamiliar city and the red velvet scarf seemed to jump off the shelf into my hand. After verifying that it was, indeed, part of the 50% off sale, it was as good as mine.
And then I saw the second display – and a wider color selection. This was my first mistake. I was still set on the velvet but now I didn’t know what color. I asked Robin. After all, she was the reason I was even in the store!
After much debate – we decided that the purple was color for me and I was headed for the register.
Alas…I passed another display of scarves. These were slightly less expensive and I found a green one – my favorite color. And it was muted, very lovely. Very versatile. Very sensible.
To understand, I’ll have to take you back in time.
The first thirty years of my life, I battled the drama queen within me. The flighty, non-sensical, passionate, sensitive, selfish, inappropriate, attention-grabbing diva who inhabits my body. I tried and tried and TRIED to push her into a room and shut the door but she kept pushing her way out into the open!
When I was 30, I had a counselor say to me “Who says you’re TOO emotional, what makes you OVER-sensitive or HYPER-dramatic? Who says it’s inappropriate? “
WHAT?????? Are you kidding? EVERYONE says!
So, he proceeded to tell me that I am Margaret and Margaret is emotional, sensitive, dramatic and likes to be the center of attention. Now, here’s the kicker…THAT’S OKAY!!!!
I repeat…WHAT????????????? That idea was so ludicrous, I couldn’t believe him!
I am here to tell you, I tried. I wanted in the very depth of my soul to believe that he was right. That I am okay. I even made a big production of accepting the Drama Queen label that my family had tried to use to hurt me for years. I took the purse that was given at Christmas and carried it until it fell apart and I put the Drama Queen sign on my van. I even wore the Drama Queen crown (well, until this week – but that’s a different story – anyone want a hound dog?). I accepted it – absorbed it, even became the label. But it was STILL a label – and I still didn’t feel “appropriate”.
I wanted so badly to be okay – to really be okay – that I became a phony. A fake. I even have some of my friends fooled. I claim to have accepted the truth of my internal drama queen. I profess to live on the edges of life, the extremes. I have even said that, by accepting the label, I have found balance. I have told others that I am comfortable in myself, my faith and my choices in life. I am so comfortable that I have even chosen ministries where I can share that comfort.
I am so surprised nobody has blown the “foul” whistle! Inside, there is no balance. I still struggle with acceptance of ME. All facets of me. I still don’t believe I’m okay. I still feel as if my natural instincts are inappropriate.
So, anyhow – that’s why it felt like a victory. The green scarf. It felt as if I had finally made a sensible choice when I could have made a frivolous choice. I let the “appropriate”me win the battle.
You’ve figured out that this isn’t about the scarf by now, haven’t you? Well, thank heavens you’re quicker than I am.
Today I went to my closet and looked at the lovely, muted, sedate, APPROPRIATE green scarf and I wanted to cry. Not because I don’t like the scarf – I do. But I WANTED the velvet scarf – the bright, loud, sassy scarf that made a bold statement.
And it wasn’t until I typed those words – just a minute ago that I realized the full import of “why” I wanted that scarf. The scarf is about WHO I want to be. It’s about Margaret – the bright, loud, sassy woman who can make a bold statement. And that’s who I really am. And that’s really okay.
So – I went to the website (Coldwater Creek – in case you, too, need a velvet scarf – and, to my delight, I found all the following on sale!) :
Perhaps limiting myself to one or two will turn out to be the sensible choice…
So you see…maybe it really was all about a velvet scarf after all…