I’m in the middle of a long, introspective post which I seem to be unable to “find” enough time to finish. I’m sure that’s because I don’t really want to go where the words are leading.
So, for now, I just wanted to post something to let everyone know that I haven’t deserted my blogging endeavour.
I liked the photo above because I think it’s true –
we, I, have to get rid of yesterday’s junk. This blog is just one of the ways in which I am attempting to do just that. Let go of the past. Let go of the pain and the hurt, the humiliation and the labels which I have allowed to define me for so long.
“Forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past.”~unknown attribution
Those are profound words. Words which I am trying to truly instill within my psyche. Whatever it was, I can’t change it. More to the point in my life, neither can anyone else.
Mom can’t change the things she did and said anymore than can my dad, my step-dad, my step-mom, my ex-husband or any of the slew of men who stepped through my life and littered my spirit with their hurtful words and actions.
The taunts of countless, unknown strangers reverberate through the empty corridor of my self-esteem. I don’t know who they are anymore – in many cases, I never did. They certainly can’t apologize now – even if they were capable.
In the recent past, the pool of my self-worth has started to fill. There are some who believe that it has always been full. It is easy to confuse bravado for confidence – or even arrogance – from the outside.
The funny part is: the more I feed my spirit with the things which create passion within me, the less bravado I feel the need to exhibit. I find that I have an innate understanding of what I do well and what I do not do well and I am less likely to need to achieve perfection in the pursuit of anything. It’s okay to be a “Jill-of-all-trades, Master of none.” I used to see that as a negative. Now, I see it as me. And that’s okay.
That being said…cleaning house is something I do not do well. As I think I have company coming next week, I had better get a move on!