A friend once described me with words something like…constantly attracts drama. Someday, I will find the actual language; I kept the e-mail pinned to the wall of my cube, so I could read it everyday, right up until my life changed. Again. And I resigned from Home Depot to get married and implement more life changes.
A portion of our population finds both drama and change terrifying or, at the very least, inconvenient. I seek it, welcome it, thrive on the chaos with which it is inevitably accompanied. Pat will attribute this characteristic to my personality type. I don’t think she’s wrong. There are times when I wish I knew how to turn it off! I think that, at times, I seek change for the sake of change. What I mean is…I am not trying to leave the bad, make anything better or even just bursting to try something. It seems to me that I sometimes just wake up one morning and think “today, I need to change something!”
The result of this process, however, isn’t generally something.good like eating less, exercising more. It usually involves getting me the attention in some form or fashion and some big scene into which I feel compelled to draw everyone I know.
Hence, the Drama Queen moniker.
But inside, I crave peace. So why the dichotomy?
As I think over my life…I cannot remember a time of relative.peace. Certainly, since high school, those have been situations of my own choosing; however, prior to that time, the drama was thrust upon me (sounds like a bad romance novel). A corny phrase for a set of decisions which so drastically shaped my life and the person I would become.
Would I have naturally sought attention, variety, chaos? Or is this life the outcome of watching several times as my seemingly placid life swirled about me like the skirt of a ball gown…fluid…the perspective changing, mutating, always just outside my control.
I used to think this chaos all started with my parents’ divorce. But it didn’t. It started long before that…perhaps even at my conception. That was certainly dramatic for 1968 and started my parents’ marriage out on the wrong foot. They are so different that their marriage was destined to fail.
What has happened, though, is that I have begun to lose my identity. Scratch that. I lost my identity. I am slowly regaining myself, my nature. Losing the defenses…tearing them down. Will I make it all the way back there? Only God knows.
Life changes-in the last sixth months, I have taken a job after 3 years, been suspended for the first time in my life and resigned that position.
I am preparing to make a major change in Bryce’s education by teaching him at home.
We will have to adjust our lives to accommodate these choices. Changes in the way we shop, eat and socialize will be necessary and implemented.
I don’t quite know how all this is coming out…it’s late and posts are difficult to read on my phone.
Life changes. We implement life changes and then life changes again. How much do I bring on myself? What part is unavoidable?
Is life changing again? Can I stop it? Do I want to?