I’ve been preparing to launch for so long…
Eventually, I’ll have the book lists up and you’ll be able to see all the reading I have done while preparing. Sometimes, I have felt as if I were preparing to get ready.
Get ready for what, though? The answers to that are many and varied. Preparing to eat right. Researching how to become a better parent. Preparing to exercise. Struggling to become a better child. Preparing to work on my mental health. Getting ready to live. Trying to find balance. Balance beyond work-life balance. Faith/Family/Physical Balance.
So I read and thought and wrote. In circles. Which, of course, got me exactly nowhere. But, I was better read.
Lamenting this inability to stop preparing and actually START – my counselor, Pat, told me that she hadn’t sensed that I was ready to do the “inner work.” Well, after I got over the sting of THAT remark and could think about what she meant…she was right. I have given so much lip service to what I was “doing” that I hadn’t realized that I was actually ready. Just not ready to start. It wasn’t the “how” that was the problem, it was fear. Fear of starting. Fear of failing. Fear of where it might lead – and, in all honesty, where it might not lead.
At least a year ago, Pat suggested that it might be helpful to write out my story. Although I “tried” once, I essentially ignored her suggestion. Recently, I started again. Really tried to write about my life in my journal. After an entry or two, I felt something actually start to “unravel.” I actually started remembering things. The sorts of things that get lost to time and life. I started making some connections. Then, I kind of stalled. I went back to writing about the same old stuff and not really moving forward. I remembered that insanity, defined, is repeating the action expecting a different outcome. I thought I would try something different, maybe effect a different outcome. So, here I am!
I don’t anticipate this blog taking the place of my journal; I imagine that I will always find something cathartic in the process of putting pen to paper. (Besides, I love my leather journal!). But, apparently this “inner work” that I need to do – it’s gonna require something different of me. So I’m trying a new media, a new routine. Here is where I’ll be writing my story, chasing my faith.
I’m sure it won’t come out in neat little anecdotes that build on one another in any way that makes sense to anyone else; I just hope it comes out in some way that it helps me make sense of myself and my place in the world. Sometimes even my place in my own life!
And if, along the way, I say something that helps someone who happens upon my words…I’ll take that as a “God thing” – or positive energy for those of you not of Christian orientation.
Blogging as a way to start…probably not a novel concept. I do think there might be a novel inside me somewhere, though. At this point, I’m just crossing my fingers that I can take that first step.
I guess I have. I actually have a rather lengthy list of future topics. It was kind of like a dam…once it burst, the memories and the ideas just came pouring out through the first little crack. I don’t think it’s burst open yet but then, I don’t think the world could handle that kind of drama 😉